In my second ever Ayahuasca ceremony almost 2 decades ago, I began the conscious process of unraveling what I now understand to be profound self-betrayal so fundamental in me, I wasn’t even aware of how abusive I was to myself. This came to light during a pivotal part of the ceremony ritual; during the process of the healings the shaman gave each participant (called “limpias” in the tradition). I was near the far end of the circle, and as I watched my Maestro clear dark energies from each of my tribe members, it would fly across the room and hit me in the chest, causing me to wretch and purge.

“Why are you abusing me?” I asked Ayahuasca.

“Because this is exactly what you do yourself each and every day,” she told me.

18 years later, I’m still unraveling how embedded this programming is.

Are you someone who says yes to things that are a no because you feel obligated? Are you someone that says what you perceive other people want to hear in order to avoid conflict or to appear like a nice person? Do you allow a lack of balance and reciprocity in relationships because you are able to see the other person’s perspective?

If so, you know a thing or two about self-betrayal. Every time we suppress our own truth to please others, it’s akin to cutting ourselves. It’s an injury. An energetic wound. And if you’re like me and you did these things dozens and dozens of times each day, the wounds are adding up and the inevitable breakdown is coming. This is one of the ways we create an unsafe environment for ourselves.

Here’s what Ayahuasca has taught me about the relationship between truth and safety.

Definition of Safety, and How that Relates to Death

Safety. It’s a loaded yet mysterious word. It’s about a feeling, a state of consciousness. Many of us have never truly felt safe one minute of our lives; at least not consciously. We come into the world with such wide-open innocence. But eventually – and sometimes immediately – we realize the world is not at all safe.

Safety must be felt somatically before it can be experienced on any other level of our consciousness. Our nervous systems must be relaxed. Our brains can’t be processing trauma. And equally important, we must have a relationship with death built on trust.

But how do we trust something as mysterious as our own transitions?

Through experience, of course.

Safety and death go together because if we don’t trust that death is safe, we cannot trust life either. They are beautifully intertwined.

But here’s the rub: Safety does not exist in the way that the mind wants it. Every morning when each of us awakens to face another sacred day, we have absolutely no guarantee that it won’t be our last, or that something terrifying and challenging and painful will occur. Life does not offer us any condition of mental safety. The safety I’m speaking of must be volumes deeper. This is the safety of the soul.

The soul knows that we are indestructible, that energy can never be destroyed, only transformed. So our souls know that even though death is inevitable, along with challenges and curveballs, we are safe because we cannot be destroyed. Death is not an ending. There are no definitive endings; just the closing of a chapter so a new one can begin.

Our minds are fragile, and they cling to the illusion of control. But once our consciousness has touched the truth of who we are beyond the body and the mind, we can know unequivocally that we are safe.

This is where Plant Medicines like Ayahuasca come to play.

Definition of Safety: Ayahuasca’s Wisdom

If you’ve ever had a wild romp through the cosmos led with reckless aplomb by the jungle queen herself, you know “safe” is not necessarily a word our minds would conjure up to describe her. She is wholly unpredictable, and unapologetic about spiraling us into the great beyond; be that the most glorious, liberating, heart-opening journey into light, or the most terrifying, polarizing, nightmarish voyage through hell. To Ayahuasca, it’s all just an incredible experience of the spectrum of consciousness. And that is one of her greatest teachings.

After years and years of dancing in Ayahuasca’s sacred space, she has guided me to really ponder the meaning of safety; especially in context within a world that is anything but safe. The ego’s definition of safety typically involves something akin to: “Please make sure nothing bad happens to me.” This is obviously something that could never be promised, and this wish is anchored in the dualistic opinion that there are good and bad things. Ayahuasca teaches that events and experiences just are; it is our relationship to them that imprints the reflection of good vs bad.

So what is safety in a deeper sense? It’s the awareness on the soul level that we are always taken care of. It’s the trust that even though life – and death – are full of curveballs and challenges, even the hardest times are there to shape and form us, not to torture us. Safety means knowing everything is happening on our behalf, and the behind the veil of this wild, illusory world lies an limitless, loving consciousness that is always holding us; even and especially when things are devastatingly difficult.

This is not a definition that can be accessed by the mind. It has to be something we deeply wake up to, and remember. It is felt, not analyzed. And working with medicines like Ayahuasca can bring us back to this awareness, unequivocally.

Safety is therefore never a mental consideration; it’s a trust and knowingness we feel to the core of our beings.

True Safety is Always Intertwined with Integrity

So how does one walk in this awareness of safety as often as possible? There’s one simple solution: Tell the truth.

Safety and integrity are a very interesting duo. In the context of duality, telling the truth is dangerous. What have we done to our most potent prophets and truth-tellers? We burn them at the stake, imprison them, silence them, ostracized them—even crucify them. So how can safety be tied to the dangerous act of being honest?

Because we cannot create a sense of sovereignty by lying to ourselves. First and foremost, we have to be completely real with ourselves. Then, that truth needs a witness. We get to be discerning who we share our truth with, but we cannot lie about who we are to everyone, all the time. It isn’t safe to wear a mask at all times. We never get the chance of knowing what it feels like to be completely transparent, seen, and alive. This is true intimacy and it can only happen when we have the courage to be raw, vulnerable, and real. If not with the world, than with our spiritual allies.

Let’s make this tangible: If someone angers me but I don’t tell them the truth, and I don’t cop to that anger to anyone, ever, where has that anger gone? Nowhere. It’s festering in me. Is that safe? Because I choose not to express something that might create conflict or make me appear as the bad guy, I’ve now swallowed my truth and denied it. That is a short term avoidance tactic with very intense long term repercussions. That’s part of what Ayahuasca was teaching me so many years ago.

Ayahuasca’s Expansion of What We View as True

Ayahuasca is nothing if not a lover of truth. She’s unapologetic about the truth of duality, of consciousness, of our shadows, and of our superpowers. She shows us the truth of the present moment with such mind blowing potency, it can make us feel like we are going to completely combust.

But Ayahuasca tells heart truths, not head truths. What I mean by this is she cares not about the specific details of the story (which is partly why the mind has such a hard time grasping her messages – minds LOVE stories and details), but rather the truth of how it feels. This is why she’ll show us an event that never happened (at least not in the way she might reveal it), but the emotions and state of consciousness we are in when she shows such experiences IS accurate. She may show a dramatic story of sexual abuse that didn’t happen, but it will match the trauma that we carry. Why does she do this? Because we often don’t believe the trauma and emotions inside of us could possibly match the experiences of our lives. But the mind doesn’t get to dictate what our emotions are; they have their own intelligence.

Ayahuasca defines reality in the most simplest terms: Reality is what we experience. Period. It’s the lens by which we view the world. But she takes this one step further and encourages us to honor what we FEEL, not just what we think. We may think we are “all good”, but if our bodies carry rage and grief and shame, we can’t think our way through that.

Integrity is intrinsically tied to emotions.

It is safe to feel (despite what the mind may say).

So being honest about our emotions and giving ourselves permission to feel them is the heart of reconnecting with the truest expression of safety.

Thank you for reading – enjoy the ride out there everybody :)

NEXT BLOG: Why Does Ayahuasca Allow Shamans to Use Her For Abuse?