The internet is filled with sordid tales about what happens when you drink the omnipotent psychoactive plant brew we lovingly call Mother Ayahuasca. Many are light-filled, healing retellings full of dramatic visions and beautiful body-highs, but many are actually painful accounts of terror and torture. And they’re all true. These things and so much more are possible with a substance this powerful. And because this is precisely how consciousness works, than any conceivable reality is possible in this altered state.

The question I get asked most often by those who are deciding whether or not to take the plunge and try Madre Medicina is this: Will I be better or worse off after I drink Ayahuasca?

The honest answer is it could go either way. But I’ll tell you how to make the most of it no matter what, and why she sometimes needs to make things worse before they get better.

Differentiating Between Human and Plant Intervention

It’s important to note that for the sake of this article, I am focusing on those who feel worse after an Ayahuasca journey due to their own required healing process, not because they sat in an unsafe container.

I talk at length about the dangers of sitting with unqualified facilitators in other articles; that aftermath is a whole different pile of poo. There are obvious consequences of handing over our vulnerabilities to someone ill-equipped to guide and protect us, and while they are often devastatingly difficult to understand and integrate, it’s all sacred information, no matter what.

But let’s exam why the wisdom of the medicine often involves pushing us deeper into our breakdown, before the aha-s start coming….

Even if You Sit with a Bona Fide Maestro/a, Please Don’t Look to Ayahuasca as a Cure

There’s a common thread that people who end up feeling frustrated or traumatized in the aftermath of an Aya journey—many were hoping it would be a quick fix. It’s an understandable and very human desire; we all want to feel better, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And we often bring this very naïve hope that a wild night with the medicine will cure what ails us.

But she doesn’t work that way. Nothing does. We have to do the work.

Almost all of us say we are willing to do the work – to feel and heal and allow the energies trapped inside to rise up and become conscious. The thing is, we couldn’t possibly really know what we are asking for. Remember that this request is the very thing we all work so, so hard to resist and avoid for the vast majority of our lives.

There’s a reason for that. Nothing could be more difficult, more terrifying, more mind-blowingly challenging than facing our own demons and shadows; the subconscious traumas and programs that create our limiting beliefs are the core of our suffering.

So when the medicine comes raging in the with the truth of what we are carrying, all bets are off. Most of us will resist like champions – and many will do so with such ferocity, we prohibit the process from actually working. This is not intention. It is not our fault. It just shows us the power of denial and resistance. And it shows the power of the pain that we carry. But this is precisely the energy we use, through transmutation, to learn the incredible art of surrender.

This process takes time. For some of us, it takes a lot of time. But it’s still worth it. Healing and awakening are really the only games in town. And if you understand the process - most importantly that YOU are responsible for the entire magical experience - you are well equipped fo fast track your healing and start reaching states of healing bliss.

So Ayahuasca, although miraculous, is not a cure. She does not prevent us from having to face what we have avoided until we sit with her. She can only open the door. We still have to walk through it.

Related Post: Can Ayahuasca Make You Go Crazy?

The Lies We are Told By So Many Retreats and “Shamans”

Many big-name retreats and earnest facilitators sell the false hope of “miracles”, as the lure of a cure causes many to fork over heaps of cash.

This is not to say the medicine isn’t miraculous. She is. She saves and transforms lives every single day. But not by taking away our suffering - by teaching us why we were suffering to begin with. And then she empowers us to do the work to prevent the dis-ease in the future.

We don’t cure suffering, we transmute it; and this vibration is our most sublime, sacred teacher. There IS a way out of the darkness, and we don’t have to learn that way forever. If you’re looking for a tool to help you realize your own strength and power as self-healer and awakened being, Ayahuasca is your girl. But she isn’t going to do it for you.

Why It Sometimes Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

So why then do some folks drink once or twice and reach nirvana, and others drink many times and keep spiraling into shadow and pain?

It’s a complicated answer. We are complicated beings. Since life is a process of growing and expanding, we are all on a different sheet of music. And every single step we take towards our growth and expansion is sacred.

Remember that when you read someone’s account on the internet, and they rave about how a single ceremony or two completely changed their lives, you’re not getting to hear the whole story. Sometimes ceremonies give massive epiphanies – valid and true and powerful – and then life comes back to reflect old patterns and behaviors, now with a new consciousness. You don’t often get to hear the full story of expansion, and contraction, and expansion again – but know that is the truth of life, for all of us.

Every single cell all the way up to every single galaxy in our multiverse is always either contracting or expanding. We are no different. And one glorious night with the medicine does not grant us forever enlightenment. The work continues. The story unfolds. It’s how we relate to it that matters.

Here is a very common scenario with Ayahuasca: Quite often, someone new to the medicine who is suffering a great deal has a miraculous experience, and finally gets to feel the truth of life, love, and the joy that is always available. These folks typically suffered from depression and anxiety their entire adult lives, and Aya knows it’s time their souls get to experience what is possible. A miracle indeed – but the problem here is that this is not permanent if we go back to our old subconscious patterns of self-destructive abuse.

As someone who once had devastating depression and anxiety, I understand the trap of this first dose of joy. It is so precious, so unbelievably amazing, the tendency is to cling to it with a savage fierceness. We work hard for this expansion – this is OURS.

This, however, is not healing. It’s just a step in the path – a chance to know what is possible. It is inevitable that we return to the past dance with darkness, this time with a whole new level of awareness. Because this can be so disheartening and shocking, however, the result is quite often even more devastating than the previous bouts of shadow. Why? Because the ego has a way of trying to convince us the joy and love are false, that we are broken and undeserving, and that the expansion was just a façade.

We go back to the old ways of self-abuse. And sometimes it gets even more intense. If we haven’t learned to relate to all aspects of consciousness with trust, curiosity, and compassion, we will always go back to try, try again.

Here’s where this gets even trickier – if we go back and drink the medicine again with the sole intention to have her give us the same space of freedom and joy, this is what typically happens: She amplifies the suffering. She lovingly but fiercely rubs our face in the story of unworthiness.

Why would a compassionate mother not immediately uplift and illuminate a child she loves?

That isn’t empowerment. Instead, this loving mother holds us accountable for not doing the work to stay in our hearts. If we have the aha, and then go back to abusing ourselves in any form, she shows us the responsibility so that we are empowered to choose something different, and eventually, stop the pattern of abuse all together.

Look at it this way: The vibration of pure love will not stay in a vessel that is simultaneously in the space of abuse. So if you have a breakthrough on Ayahuasca, then go back to blame or shame or “not enough-ness”, Aya will hold up a mirror and show you this disconnect.

I like to joke that the first touch of divinity is free. From then on, we have to work for it.

That work involves a true commitment to self care. It involves a sincere and almost constant effort to be soft and kind and curious with ourselves, to catch the critic in action and celebrate the awareness, and to find all the ways in which we are still the enemy of ourselves, and our joy.

A Note on How the Healing Process Often Works

Finally, it’s important to note that those of us dealing with severe addictions and/or destructive patterns and behaviors have additional steps in the path to be aware of.

Let’s use alcoholism as an example – it’s one I have personally dealt with. Ayahuasca may dive in right away and help alleviate the desire to hide in the numbness of liquor. This is a supremely amazing gift. But the moment the habit of drowning in alcohol lifts, what is often revealed is the reason why we drank in the first place.

That could be a legitimate emotional or psychological challenge that needs lots of healing and care. I know I tried to cope with bipolar symptoms by dosing myself in wine and dirty martinis on a daily basis. When I stopped drinking, up came all the emotional trauma. That took a hell of lot of ceremonies and trips to my therapist’s couch to work through. To be honest, it still does. But facing these stored traumas is far, far better than continuously adding to the pile of suffering. Now that I know that I am responsible, empowered, and worthy of the healing I seek, I can give it to myself, every single day.. Because of that, I’m no longer in perpetual pain, I’m no longer paralyzed by panic attacks, and I get to know the kind of joy I only thought I’d see in fairy tales. When my body shows me something new to work on, I can respond with trust and love, not fear. That happened because I did and do the work, not because Ayahuasca cured me. But bless her crazy little plant heart, she gave me the tools and showed me the way.

Here is the Miracle You Can Put All Your Faith In

The reason why Ayahuasca works—the reason why ANY healing modality works—is that it helps us to transform a subconscious belief from a place of fear, to love. We know scientifically that when we reach a parasympathetic state, the mind and body create a partnership that radiates trust, compassion, forgiveness, peace, and limitless love. Love is what heals us. Not Ayahuasca, not a human being, not a pharmaceutical drug—it’s trust that everything is as it should be, that everything is safe, and that we are supported, protected, and yes, unconditionally loved. It happens physically, it happens emotionally, it happens spiritually.

This is the place where any healing is not just possible, it’s guaranteed.

Anything that can help us release stored and repressed emotions and put us into a state of surrender and joy is healing. Aya just happens to be an incredibly powerful conduit to this space. She teaches us how to get there ourselves. For most of us, it’s a muscle we need to flex many times before our beingness responds. But that’s ok, as we literally have all the time in the multiverse to figure it out.

Placing all our faith in the medicine, or a human, or anything outside of ourselves will always bring us back to separation and suffering. Remembering that they are all tools to help us discover our divinity and empowerment is the real truth of how we heal, and thrive.

Please Don’t Fall for Slick Marketing That Lacks Integrity

Anyone that promises you Ayahuasca will cure you is lying – and they likely want your money. It’s a massive travesty to all those who trust in this truth, because oh so many people have a breakthrough in the process, then go home to discover they still have a shadow to dance with—and then they fall for the trap of thinking something is wrong with them. That they are broken and flawed if they couldn’t hold on to the miracle.

We are all perfect, even in our suffering. And we are all capable of the most profound, radical healings and shifts. Which we are solely responsible for.

We all expand, and then contract again. Never, ever forget that. The people that sell these false promises are also contracting – they were not cured, but they put on a tremendous show to make you believe otherwise.

On the flip side, those retreats and healers that purport to empower you to uncover the ways to heal yourself; that’s where the magic is. Don’t trust those who make it about their abilities or special powers. Trust those that simply want to teach you to do it yourself. That’s exactly what Ayahuasca does. That is why she is a miracle.

When you are ready, when you have a strong enough foundation to face your demons and the calling to work with her is unavoidable, go to Ayahuasca as a powerful partner in becoming more conscious. Turn to her as an ally in finding the strength inside you to feel and heal and break out of the patterns of destruction and suffering. But do not expect her to be a magic potion. And please stop supporting those that lie to us and tell us she is.

We heal ourselves. That’s how powerful we are. And that’s the only way to find your own personal heaven: One. Step. At. A. Time.

Enjoy the journey, be good to yourselves, and thank you so much for reading.

 About the Author

Tina “Kat” Courtney, The Afterlife Coach, has worked with Ayahuasca for 14 years, with a decade as a shamanic apprentice. She works as a Psychedelics and Ayahuasca Coach, guiding others through the integration and preparation process with all sacred plants and master plant dietas. She’s a transformational junkie with a major love of polarities, and she adores helping others love their darkness too.