Mother Ayahuasca, Please Take the Things I Cling To

I first wrote this blog post in 2007, a newly discovered Ayahuasca devotee. I had ascertained one of the highest ways to work with this beloved jungle medicine was by finding fears and attachments, and offering them to her like a string of pearls tossed on an altar.

This was my letter of homage to her before our nineteenth dance together.

Spoiler alert: It worked.

Originally written in March of 2007

Madre de la Selva, I will be with you again tomorrow night. Our nineteenth dance, followed by the twentieth. There’s a corner in there. I am turning it now.

I bring to you all of me – not just the select bits I’ve offered up in the past. It’s effortless with the painful parts – those are always the things I ask you to heal.
Migraines.
Asthma.
Self-hatred.
Fear of death.
Broken familial relationships.
Drug and alcohol addiction.
Severe depression and erratic mood swings.

You’ve taken them all and flicked them off me like lint. I should say we. This is a group effort. You, Don Rober, Howard, myself – along with everyone I’ve shared the space with and everyone who’s cheered me on. There is no such thing as alone, in the quest for healing, or elsewhere.

This time, I’d like to bring you the things I don’t want to heal. Odd, that. But they are attachments, or at least, they represent the possibility of such, and I want no such thing. Yet the small “I”, the frightened little ego-self, she’s rather fond of life’s tapestries these days. She eyes them with a ferocious, protective stare, daring the world to place a paw on these prizes.

My heart, however, invites you into these sacred spaces. We humbly request that you snip away the curled claws, like tiny strings wrapped around a Christmas gift. It is understood that unless I can offer up my dearest treasures, I will eventually create the loss of them. And I will never reach the place of self-realization. There is no room for the divine in a being who builds walls and limitations. Mine have all been bulldozed. I’m letting the light in.

I give to you, then, all that I have amassed in this dream Vegas life. You brought me here, remember? I had no idea what I was doing, vetting off to the desert for a vision quest. But you showed me the old ways, how they ceased to serve me. You gave me the fire and strength and clarity to walk away from my perceived security, and into the gloriously dark unknown. For me, that meant leaving absolutely everything familiar. 13 years of my Hollywood life. Friends and libations and special watering holes and roads I knew how to navigate with my eyes sewn shut.

It wasn’t an easy transition. The loneliness I confronted felt crippling at first, but you were always there. You would pick me up and lead me to the altar when the breakdowns left me paralyzed. You would flash within me a glowing orb of bliss when I would swear I had fallen back into the abyss. You gently reminded me that everything was perfect, in all ways, and showed me how I had the resources to create everything I dreamt of.

Now. . .Now. Now is so beautiful. That I should know a fuller experience of Now is the first immense blessing. More of that, please – this incredible awareness. This willingness to see *everything* that is revealed.

And all these things I have in my reality – all these things I have sourced the power to dream into the waking life – I give them to you. All of them. They are not mine to own.

The little house I bought in an impulsive rush – I don’t need it. I don’t even live there anymore.
The three cats I sometimes think I’d die without – they’re foolish, those thoughts I have. I willingly release these cherished beings to you, whenever they are called. I do not wish to keep them here for selfish reasons.

To read more about my journey with Ayahuasca, read I am a white Woman Who Pours Ayahuasca

The magnificent job I enjoy so much, in the most entertaining industry. This office full of people my heart just adores. I will walk away in a heartbeat, the moment I hear the calling. Or I will stay for a lifetime, despite my ego’s judgments or protests. Whatever it is that defines my highest good – I accept.

The car, the clothes, the mansion I am living in, the endless list of stuff that has recently amassed – take it. Really. It’s yours, should I need to let it go. I have no claim to any of it.

And here are the big guns. I’m crying now, because of the profundity. Because of the sincerity. I don’t *want* to lose any of this, mind you, but I know you understand the sentiment. I have learned, as one Teacher says, to offer up my bliss like a string of pearls, and throw them onto the altar.

Well, here they are. That which I love the most.

The closeness I have with Mom these days – how amazing it is to have her just 90 miles away. The way in which we support each other, in all vibrations and spaces. I will sacrifice that, too, if you tell me that is Right.

The Guru, The Teacher, The Enlightened Friend – all those who have achieved that which I hold in the highest — if I never see them again, I won’t resist. I will just say thank you, in every conscious moment, for having them in my life at all. For everything they have gifted me.

The Best Friends – and God, is this an impressive list. LA angels I have left behind in the physical, but certainly not in the emotional / spiritual. And the Vegas souls that leave me awestruck and humbled. I have forged bonds here that should have taken years and more to solidify, but because of you, Ayahuasca, my heart just opens, and we just *are*. So incredibly close. But I would give them all up should the Universe request it. Not without a rainstorm, mind you, but the willingness is sincere.

Hijo. The stepson I have recently offered up my heart to. The beautiful being that has accepted, and given his in return. My newest teacher. The bond I never ever thought I’d actually know. Walking away would be staggeringly difficult, Aya, you know this. You showed me my maternal self, after all. But I know how fragile and fleeting every moment is. I know it may serve us both to separate, in an instant. Should that transpire, I will obey. You have my word.

So, thank you, so much, for the infinite transformations you have already gifted me with. You are patient when I need it, strong and defiant when I won’t back down, and always, always loving and protective. Just like a mother. I love the part of me you represent. It’s the highest self I have access to. I will never stop giving you gratitude.

See you tomorrow, my lady. I’ll be the one with the open arms, full to the brim with offerings. Take whatever you see fit. I will love you all the more.

About the author:

Tina “Kat” Courtney, The AfterLife Coach, has been madly in love with Ayahuasca since 2006, and became a traditionally trained Ayahuasquera + Huachumera after over a decade of apprenticeships. She is also a vocal advocate for safe and effective usage of psychedelics in sacred and ancient rituals. Kat has trained with various Shipibo-Conibo Maestros and Maestras, and is wholly devoted to the ethical and reverent usage of all plant medicines.