This is How I Know I Did Awful Things in Past Lives

I have lived long enough to know I'm absolutely burning through some intense karma in this lifetime. Part of my journey here has been insanely blessed, but the internal process is sheer terror at times. I have been at the edge of suicide more times than Madonna's had a hit single. I've been bulimic, depressed, a functioning but committed alcoholic, a drug abuser, an abused mate, and all manner of dysfunctional attributes. I know the darkside. I used to fear I was addicted to her. 

Now I know I just needed to make friends. To re-remember what the darkness really means.

Yet all this intensity also tells me I was fated to feel it. To experience horrendously dark emotions. Yes, part of that is because we all must face this side of consciousness. At some point, we all have to know that which we spend lifetimes avoiding. If we want to know All, that's obviously included. 

The other side of this is my deep awareness that I am paying for past decisions and actions. Karma isn't good or bad; it's actually just like physics. For every action there is an equal reaction. Make a choice to harm another human being, and that emotion and retribution will come due. The mystery is how or when, not if.

There's no shame in burning through your karma. In fact, it's a ridiculous honor, because once you do, you're free. I've had to tell myself that a million times these last 10 very conscious years, but that's OK - this is the hardest thing we ever take on. Even Mother Theresa had past lives where she abused the shit out of people. None of us get away without playing all roles. Victim, perpetrator, and everything in between. Consciousness doesn't discern - it just wants us to all evolve. And we plow through darkness to get through the light. That's the hero's journey - that begins, and returns to, the villain, again and again. They are one in the same.

So if this is a hard stretch for you, trust with all that you have that it's a gift. It will not last forever - nothing does. Ever. We really do trek from darkness to light - so you know how the story ends. You will be liberated. You will be free of suffering and pain. And you are hardly alone -- every last tribe member is making the same journey. 

Join me in choosing wisely as we formulate our next steps in this world. Resist that urge to join mass consciousness in hatred and fear. That will only perpetuate more of the same. The hardest choice is to choose love, but even if you're the only one choosing it, you will be rewarded. You will burn through the choices of your past. And no matter what happens externally, you will be a giggling fool as all this comes to light. 

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” 
― Eckhart Tolle